The Awkward Years

Although it wasn’t very long ago, thinking back to who I was when I was in middle and high school, I almost cringe; not because I went through a goth/punk stage or because I wore funny hats (because both of those happened and I will never regret them!) but because of who I was pretending to be. I was nice and I had a few friend groups that rotated in and out as we all grew into different people, but I’m not sure if I was ever acting true to myself. My entire life, it feels like I was in my older cousin’s shadow. She is only 9 months older than me but she was the athletic one, the pretty one, the talented one, and the one everyone else adored. Because of how in-the-spotlight I always imagined her being, I found myself copying her in any way that I could. I tried to talk like her, dress like her (which wasn’t hard with all the hand-me-downs), and I made up stories about what I had done with my boyfriend when I was talking with her and none of it was true! I was just a kid!!

 Today I still find I am asking myself “who are you and what do you want?” And, even though I feel as if I was set off to the side for most of my childhood, I had a good adolescent experience. I met my current boyfriend when I was in eighth grade and we have been together for six years this year; so I loved him then and I love him now. At least that much hasn’t changed! He has always supported my choices and didn’t make fun of me when I dyed my hair red as a final rebellion before I had to grow up and start making choices to get me to my desired future. To be honest though, I will always have a soft spot for the red hair—I think I looked good and I have my SU ID to prove it!

In addition to pretending to like all of the weird things I had done to my hair and all the funny outfits I had worn, my boyfriend has very kindly accepted my love of books. I have read all sorts of books in the past and will continue to be very open to new kinds of books in the future, but my taste in literary entertainment was awful in high school and junior high! I very specifically remember being a part of “Team Jacob” from the Twilight Saga, and I vaguely remember reading a series about zombies going to school with regular kids just trying to fit in. There were some mystery books, a lot of vampire books, and a bunch of books that had some really bad plots. All I can say about that is I’m glad I grew out of that genre.

As far as what I worried about…there was a lot.  I wanted to be loved and accepted by my peers while at the same time I wanted to stand out and be unique with an “I couldn’t care less what you think about me” attitude. Many of my teachers liked me because of how quiet I was in class and because I was a straight A student, but many of my classmates thought it funny to poke fun at my introverted personality and my dedication to my studies. My grades mattered to me because I knew what was at stake: if I didn’t do well then I wouldn’t get into college and I wouldn’t be able to get a good job. I was always more serious than most of my peers though. I worried about my relationship moving forward. For example, I was my boyfriend’s first girlfriend and vice versa so we had no idea what we were doing and because of this, things moved very slowly. We were together for six or seven months before he kissed me and it felt like an eternity before that happened (because I was a silly, anxious, and very impatient teenager). On top of all of that, I worried about pleasing everyone, especially my family. As I mentioned above, my cousin stole the spotlight and I usually faded into the background. This happens in most families and I understand that, but when I was a teenager, it bothered me that I was unable to be the family favorite despite all the hard work that I did. 

Now that I am moving forward with my life and figuring out who I might want to be, I can look back on my goofy, pathetic adolescent livelihood and laugh. When I become a teacher, I will need to reminisce frequently to understand what they are going through. Just because I will have grown wiser and will be able to understand that everything will work out in the end does not mean that my students will be quite as “all-knowing.” Between the ages of twelve and eighteen, everything is huge and important and I will need to remember that if I want to be an effective and inspirational educator.