The Awkward Years

Although it wasn’t very long ago, thinking back to who I was when I was in middle and high school, I almost cringe; not because I went through a goth/punk stage or because I wore funny hats (because both of those happened and I will never regret them!) but because of who I was pretending to be. I was nice and I had a few friend groups that rotated in and out as we all grew into different people, but I’m not sure if I was ever acting true to myself. My entire life, it feels like I was in my older cousin’s shadow. She is only 9 months older than me but she was the athletic one, the pretty one, the talented one, and the one everyone else adored. Because of how in-the-spotlight I always imagined her being, I found myself copying her in any way that I could. I tried to talk like her, dress like her (which wasn’t hard with all the hand-me-downs), and I made up stories about what I had done with my boyfriend when I was talking with her and none of it was true! I was just a kid!!

 Today I still find I am asking myself “who are you and what do you want?” And, even though I feel as if I was set off to the side for most of my childhood, I had a good adolescent experience. I met my current boyfriend when I was in eighth grade and we have been together for six years this year; so I loved him then and I love him now. At least that much hasn’t changed! He has always supported my choices and didn’t make fun of me when I dyed my hair red as a final rebellion before I had to grow up and start making choices to get me to my desired future. To be honest though, I will always have a soft spot for the red hair—I think I looked good and I have my SU ID to prove it!

In addition to pretending to like all of the weird things I had done to my hair and all the funny outfits I had worn, my boyfriend has very kindly accepted my love of books. I have read all sorts of books in the past and will continue to be very open to new kinds of books in the future, but my taste in literary entertainment was awful in high school and junior high! I very specifically remember being a part of “Team Jacob” from the Twilight Saga, and I vaguely remember reading a series about zombies going to school with regular kids just trying to fit in. There were some mystery books, a lot of vampire books, and a bunch of books that had some really bad plots. All I can say about that is I’m glad I grew out of that genre.

As far as what I worried about…there was a lot.  I wanted to be loved and accepted by my peers while at the same time I wanted to stand out and be unique with an “I couldn’t care less what you think about me” attitude. Many of my teachers liked me because of how quiet I was in class and because I was a straight A student, but many of my classmates thought it funny to poke fun at my introverted personality and my dedication to my studies. My grades mattered to me because I knew what was at stake: if I didn’t do well then I wouldn’t get into college and I wouldn’t be able to get a good job. I was always more serious than most of my peers though. I worried about my relationship moving forward. For example, I was my boyfriend’s first girlfriend and vice versa so we had no idea what we were doing and because of this, things moved very slowly. We were together for six or seven months before he kissed me and it felt like an eternity before that happened (because I was a silly, anxious, and very impatient teenager). On top of all of that, I worried about pleasing everyone, especially my family. As I mentioned above, my cousin stole the spotlight and I usually faded into the background. This happens in most families and I understand that, but when I was a teenager, it bothered me that I was unable to be the family favorite despite all the hard work that I did. 

Now that I am moving forward with my life and figuring out who I might want to be, I can look back on my goofy, pathetic adolescent livelihood and laugh. When I become a teacher, I will need to reminisce frequently to understand what they are going through. Just because I will have grown wiser and will be able to understand that everything will work out in the end does not mean that my students will be quite as “all-knowing.” Between the ages of twelve and eighteen, everything is huge and important and I will need to remember that if I want to be an effective and inspirational educator.

My Teacher Identity

My name is Laura Mills, but you can call me Lexi, and I hope to become a teacher someday. To understand who I am as a teacher, I feel it is important to first describe how I got to this point in my career. My journey begins very early on in my life, and this is how it goes:

When I was a young girl, I knew I wanted to be something great when I grew up. My imagination offered me careers such as astronaut, marine biologist, and famous pop star. It wasn't until high school, however, that I realized the "something great" was going to mean being an educator. English was a subject I had always thrived in and so it seemed natural and comforting to choose this discipline as my “forever home.” Reading and writing is what I loved doing in my spare time. Even as a child, when I wasn't digging for bugs or catching butterflies, I was in the house reading one of the many books we had on our shelves. Grammar and spelling came easy to me because of how often I exposed myself to that culture through books.

Home-schooled until fifth grade, it shocked me when I got to public school and heard my peers complaining about reading, writing something for class, or books in general. During my entire middle and high school career I listened to everyone around me talk about how much they hated reading and class, despite having many of the teachers that I admired and believed to be good role models. I am not sure why so many people rather “wait for the movie” or take a 0 instead of doing a short writing assignment on Shakespeare’s Othello. And I will never understand how so many people’s imaginations could have let them all down in the same way. Books are a journey if you let them lead you.

This past summer I completed an internship with the Shippensburg Public Library by helping out with the Youth Program. It was my job to read to children twice a week and help operate the “Teen Scene” every Friday afternoon. The hope of the Youth Program Director was that by showing how fun reading can be, the youths are more likely to grow up reading more and using their now strengthened imaginations to help shape the world for the better.

And so, this takes me to who I want to be as a teacher. I want to be many things but by far the most important part of being a teacher is being inspirational. This could mean any number of ideas: a listening ear for a teenager who believes nobody can hear them, a firm “no” that stops a bully from hurting someone, a kind word that ends a bad day, or the person that helps a young mind decide what they want to be after finishing their own education, a teacher.

As an English lover, it would be my hope that each of my future students would also love the language as much as me; knowing this is impossible, however, I want to teach them hard work will be rewarded in life. To inspire them to keep focused and on task would not only benefit me and them in my class, but in “real life” too. Doing the homework that I assigned regardless of how much they loathe reading will give them good grades, which may contribute to them getting in a good college or work force of their own choosing, so that they may enjoy their lives. Having the skills to follow orders is important to have in the world that we live in today.

One more trait I hope to bequeath to my students is the ability to THINK. Yes, it is important to know when and how to take orders, but nothing new will ever come from future generations if they are unable to use their imaginations and brain power to think beyond anywhere that mankind has gone before. The concept of going to the moon was unheard of until an intellectual put his mind to it. Through trial and error, humans were able to travel somewhere no creature had ever been before. These are the kinds of ideas I hope to inspire in my classroom from open discussions and a safe, judgement-free environment. I want to be the map that guides children to their places in the world.

It is obvious that many people believe that teaching would not be a difficult job, and some believe that it is not very important to keep us around, especially the liberal arts teachers. But to some precious few individuals, we are acknowledged for our significance and appreciated for it. To those who comprehend our merit: thank you! 

"I am indebted to my father for living, but to my teacher for living well."

                                                                     -Alexander the Great